Project Runway: Pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Team Jerrella
Kelli, you should havePicked your buddy Stella. YouDidn’t, so adieu.So Kelli. This is the first loss I find kind of upsetting. Would I have worn her clothes? Probably not, but I’m not known for my adventurous taste in fashion. Let me tell you what Limey said about me recently when a friend of hers suggested a set up with her (the friend’s) trouble making, alterna brother-in-law. Limey said “No. Jordan wears cardigans.” And it’s true. I do wear cardigans. I am not fashion forward. Not at all.But I liked Kelli’s stuff, even if it’s not anything I would’ve strained to pull over my wine saturated frame. It was interesting, and fun, and girly and edgy all at the same time. And she shares a hometown with my hairdresser, and he was kind of talking her up during my last appointment, and my hair looks fierce, so I was on her side. Plus, I hate Daniel. Haaaate. So I’m sad she’s gone.* Anyway. Morning. Atlas. Korto enjoys immunity. Keith enjoys weightlifting. Daniel enjoys lifting smaller weights—like seriously teeny tiny weights, like the 5 lbs ones I keep under my bed and use on the rare occasions that I bust out my Girls Next Door workout DVD. Blayne says “team dramalicious,” and I briefly forget I’ve been becoming fonder of him lately.* Model pick. Korto keeps Katarina, and Jennifer’s Alex goes home. I note that Alex looks a lot like Christian’s model from last season, which just goes to show how much a model’s success depends on her being matched up with the correct designer’s aesthetic as much or more than her own looks.* Heidi announces that their challenge will be to design a look for a high powered and glamorous professional woman. Blayne says he hopes it’s not Hillary Clinton, because he won’t win for a neon pantsuit. Bish, plz. You only wish HRC would rock one of your Rainbow Brite inspired designs.* The designers all try and guess who the woman is. Their guesses are mostly lame, except Stellaaaaaaah, who wants to design for Sharon Osbourne. But they gather ‘round, and Tim reveals that their client is. .. .Brooke Shields.Let’s discuss my feelings about Brooke Shields for a moment. Once upon a time, in 2003, when I’d first moved to Columbia Heights, I was in CVS and I thought a sketchy homeless man was lurking outside waiting for me. Well, it turns out he was sketchy, but not homeless, and he was waiting outside for someone else.Anyway, I apologized for being all judgey, and he said “don’t worry, baby. I was lookin’ at you. You a Brooke Shields lookalike.”1) I look nothing like Brooke Shields. I may actually look even less like Brooke Shields than I do like Katie Holmes.2) His name is Lewis. We remain friends to this day.3) He seems to think that all white girls know each other, because every time we meet up, he tells me what Brooke Shields has been up to, and tells me to let her know that he forgives her.So I’m not what you’d call a Brooke Shields fan, both because of that (somehow I never like the celebrities people say I look like), and because of those Colgate commercials where she somehow can’t pronounce teeth. I swear, she says “my teet” about sixty times in each commercial, and it kills me every time.Also, I hear she had some sort of falling out with Kathy Griffin, and while I don’t know the details, I know I’m on Kathy Griffin’s side. Also, I just saw Blue Lagoon for the first time last year, and it may’ve been the worst movie I’ve ever seen.* Anyway. Suede is so thrilled to see Brooke Shields that he says “I love Brooke” rather than “Suede loves Brooke.” She’s so awesome she shocked him into first person.* Their challenge is to design a look for Brooke’s character, Wendy Healey, from Lipstick Jungle. She then explains the charater, because no one watches the show. The look must carry Wendy from day to night. This immediately makes me think of Day to Night Barbie from the ’80’s, which I always coveted. A Barbie from the ’80’s seems like an appropriate match for Brooke Shields.* . . . and they’ll be working in teams of two. Then there’s a bomb noise, and the designers all have terrified reactions.* They’re given ½ an hour to sketch, and Brooke will select six of their designs.* Sketch montage! Pitch montage! This is all really boring and full of quick cuts and Brooke Shields talking to designers while emoting with her crazy eyes and her perfect “teet”.* Tim gives them a surprise—the winning look will be worn on Lipstick Jungle. The designers all freak out at the fact that their outfit will be seen by all seven viewers all across Idaho.* Anyway, the designers Brooke has chosen as team leaders are (in order) Keith, Koto, Jerrel, Kelli, Terri, Blayne. She tells Blayne that she’s a little scared of his idea, which features Bermuda shorts, but she likes it.* Commercial. The designers pick their teammates in an order determined by Tim’s selection from the velvet bag. Blayne picks LeAnne; Keith picks Kenley; Terri picks Suede; Koto picks Joe; Kelli picks Daniel and says that Stella’s her buddy, but she didn’t think Stella could pull off the construction. Jerrel picks Stella by default and says that she’s perfect because his outfit involves leather. Jerrel is beginning to seem like a nice guy.* They have $150 budget, and until midnight to work.* Mood! Kenley gets uber bossy and tries to force some hideous 1960’s flower print on Keith. Daniel hates all of Kelli’s picks.* Ten hours! Working together montage! Jerrel and Stella may be my favorite odd couple of all time. I’m going to call them Team Jerrella. It sounds like Barbarella. Ooooh. . .note to self—see if iTunes has Duran Duran’s “Electric Barbarella.”* Tim makes an announcement: because the winner gets the tremendous honor of having their design featured on a half baked Sex in the City knockoff on one of the Networks of NBC, there will be NO immunity for this challenge.* Work montage. Kenley bitches about working with Keith. Kelli likes to do things her way, because she raised herself with help from her disabled gramma. This is when I know Kelli is homeward bound. Tragic backstory = free ticket home.* Suede throws a stressfest about having enough fabric. Terri comes up with this awesome response—and I quote: “I don’t know what he’s packin’–balls or va-jay-jay—but he needs to work that out. I ain’t got no babies; ain’t no body suckin’ on my titties, so please: man up.”I. HEART. TERRI. She’s Rick James, bitch! Note to self: start Proj Run playlist. #1. “Electric Barbarella.” #2, in honor of Terri, that Whitney Houston song about how she can pay her own bills and take care of her babies.* Blayne talks about his crazy family. Kenley pussy whips Keith. Tim sends in the models for an early fitting. Everyone seems awesome, but Kelli and Daniel have massive skirt issues.* Three hours! Terri and Suede argue over the top. Terri says (and I quote): “If it’s between Terri goin’ home and Suede goin’ home, peace out.” Oh my god, she called herself Terri. The third person disease is catching.* Two hours! Tim does his walkthrough. He tells team BlayneAnne to dress up the short. To team Jerrella, he says he loves the palette and finds it a true collaboration. He calls Kelli and Daniel’s “dubious;” tells Terri and Suede that it “works;” makes fun of Kenley’s floral print, which team K2 (Keith/Kenley) isn’t using; and calls Koto/Joe’s jacket a “big sweet potato,” which causes a fight between them.It is at this point that I notice that Terri’s shirt says “LA face with an Oakland Booty.” Um.. . .. DO WANT.* Next day! Blayne makes coffee, and we finally see the extent of Keith’s tattoos. They cover one side of his body pretty much shoulder to waist. . .at least.* Back to Parson’s. Terri does a dance. Blayne deems his own design “incredible;” Koto/Joe have issues.* Tim comes in to send them to the Tressame blah blah and the L’Oreal Paris blah blah blah, and to remind them to use the Bluefly yada yada yada.* Runway! The judges are Michael “What do you do when your kid is a brat?” Kors; Nina “Security will escort you from the Elle offices” Garcia; and Brooke Shields “fashion icon and star of Lipstick Jungle” In what universe is Brooke Shields is a fashion icon? Jackie Kennedy is a fashion icon. Audrey Hepburn is a fashion icon. Madonna, gawd help us, is a fashion icon. Brooke Shields is Suddenly Susan.* Anyway. Korto/Joe has a khaki whore dress with a sweet potato jacket. Kelli/Daniel has a jacket and skirt with an ugly lingerie top. Team Jerrella has a cute bronze top with a burnout velvet skirt and a mustard waspie. I kind of love it.* K2 has a great skirt and a top that’s kind of “eh” at first, but then it does a fun convertible thing with the sleeves as the “day to night” aspect. Terri/Suede has an outfit that’s cute, but not at all businesslike. BlayneAnne. .I heart the colors—turquoise and Aegean blue make up a fair chunk of my summer wardrobe—but I hate the shorts, and the tops are beyond wonky.* Jerrella, Kelli/Daniel, K2, and BlayneAnne are told to stay on the runway. Everyone else is safe.* Brooke Shields tells Jerella they have the perfect mix of textures, but she’s concerned about the belt. Heidi loves it; and Kors calls it well made, flirty and feminine.* Brooke calls Kelli/Daniel’s shape “truly unfortunate” while Kors just says “hullo. . .slutty slutty slutty,” and Nina is concerned with their taste.* They’re asked who should go home. Kelli says Daniel should, because he’s been in the bottom while she never has. Daniel says he has high end taste. This is where Kenley rudely and inexplicably cracks up. Shut up and die, Kenley. Go choke on your vast collection of headpets and your allowance from Daddums.* Anyway. . .Brooke Shields tells K2 their design was inspired, different, rich, and exquisite. For BlayneAnne, she says it was “too casual” for Wendy; Heidi says it looks like a woman who didn’t have a mirror; and Kors says that the pieces are uninteresting and don’t support the idea. Blayne mans up and says he should go home; LeAnne agrees.This is the night I start to kind of love Blayne. Not his clothes, mind you—his clothes are trash—but Blayne himself. Ok, not even the orange, meth toothed exterior of Blayne himself, but the stand up guy that seems to lurk just beneath the leather surface and the layer of “character.” Give him five years to get his priorities in line and keep him away from the drugs and the tan lamp, and he’ll be a good egg.* Deliberation. They think Team Jerrella is terrific; they’re Heidi’s favorites; and the design was impeccable and feminine. K2, in their minds, was unique, inspired, and classy.* On the other hand. . .Kelli and Daniel are tasteless and Daniel brings nothing to the table. BlayneAnne were wrong for the task; Blayne doesn’t listen and LeAnne has lost her confidence.*The winner is. . .Keith. My notes then say , because I thought Team Jerrella should’ve won. But they’re safe, so. . .whatever.* To the bottom teams. LeAnne is in. Daniel is in (notes say BAH!! because I’m starting to fucking hate him). * So it’s down to Kelli and Blayne. Kelli’s construction and taste are questionable, while Blayne can’t step outside himself. Blayne is in (phew)* Kelli is out, and she’s angry. Everyone cries, and she says that at least she took a risk, even if it was too hootchie mama (and it was).* Next week! Chris March! DRAG QUEENS!!!!! Pterodactyl out of a gay Jurrasic Park! Michael Kors’ aunts!
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