The REAL Monday Laughs: …………Some of us had work to do this morning…….
Husbands and Wives
A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket then asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.
This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, “Why do you keep looking in your pocket?”
The man replies, “I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I’ll go home!”
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A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo.
She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps, he was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt.
As they walked through the ape exhibit,they passed in front of a large silverback gorilla.
Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny.
He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.
She did… And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.
“Now… Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him,” he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.
Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.
“Now! Tell HIM you have a headache.”
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While away on business a man met a beautiful young woman and as things developed he agreed to pay $500 to spend the night with her. They did their thing, and before he left he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment “RENT FOR APARTMENT.”
On the way back to his office, he began to regret what he had done, realising that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - It had never been occupied;
#2 - There was plenty of heat; and
#3 - It was small enough to make me feel snug and cosy.
However, I found out that :-
#1 - It had been several previous tenants,
#2 - There wasn’t any heat, and
#3 - It was much larger than I expected.
Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately returned the cheque for $250 with the following note:
Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there was plenty of it, had you known how how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don’t have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady. !!!!
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To be six again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since he birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her Birthday. I’d like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, “Well Dear, what was it like being six again?”
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression! suddenly changed. “I meant my dress size, you dumb ass!”
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
Story of my life!!!!!
Cheers
Billy 8-{) :confused: 
